If Only I Knew

a prose poem by Maahum

And it was at that moment, that exact moment that I wish I had not married you. I would have never married you. If only I knew. If only I knew that you listened to every little word that came out of my mouth with your undivided attention. If only I knew that you fell in love with me a little bit more each time you looked at me. If only I knew that you enjoyed every moment we spent together, from those we spent laughing ’til we couldn’t breathe to those where there was nothing but silence between us. If I had known you would have turned out like this, I would have never married you.

Remember those moments we would go out and marvel over the beauty of the night sky? The ones where I would lie next to you and trace the constellations with my finger? And what would you do? You were never actually observing the stars. If only I knew that you were actually admiring me instead, if only I knew you thought of me as your night sky, I would have never married you.

Remember that one night when I was scared? And what did you do? You held me tight. You wrapped me in your arms to keep me safe, as if I was a stuffed animal that children cling to. You made me feel the most secure that I had ever been. If only I knew that your arms were a place I could call home, I would have never married you.

Remember those times that I felt I looked horrendous no matter how hard I tried? Those times when I felt my face was full of flaws and felt internally horrible? And what would you do? You delicately pushed the hair out of my face and softly held my cheeks. You told me that my beauty was too pure for this world. You told me that I was a blessing because I was one of those rare people who is beautiful inside and out. If only I knew how kind you were, I would have never married you.

Remember when I would try to cook a gourmet meal that I saw online? And every time I did it either the smoke alarm would go off or our stomachs would go bad because the food would be under-cooked? And what did you do? You laughed with that beautiful smile of yours that extended from ear to ear and told me that the food was delicious. You told me that the smoke alarm went off because my cooking skills were on fire. And instead of finishing my inedible food, we would playfully throw it at each other as if we were back in high school having a food fight. If only I knew how how much you made me enjoy life, I would have never married you.

If only I knew that you valued me more than life itself, that you loved me more than I thought was possible, cared about me more than anyone has in my life, never let me feel anything was missing from my life, I would have never married you. If only I knew that you were smart, charming, sweet, and amazing, I would have never married you. I would have never married you if I knew these things because I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve such a perfect human being. I don’t deserve everything I’ve ever wanted. I don’t deserve you.

______________

Maahum is a junior.  She says, “I was inspired to write this narrative poem after reading this writing prompt: ‘I would have never married you if I knew ____.'”

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