a narrative by Gaby, who read this piece at the Candlelight Vigil on January 13th, photo pending
Some days I feel like I’m genuinely not happy, other days I feel like I could leave this planet and no one would notice. Last night I had an opportunity to tell someone very dear to me exactly how I feel, but of course I failed to achieve it.
Last night I decided to go for a walk with you, November 21st. I really liked walks, especially the slow, dim lighted, late night walks with the crazy drunk kooks walking past bars in this small section of Paris, it made us laugh. Damn, did I love hearing your laugh. I thought to myself, “Okay, today is the day that I’ll tell you how I feel,” but then the bad thoughts took over again. Sometimes I question myself and why I constantly crumble at my own feet, sometimes I question my own sanity and how much longer I can be here, I question how much more it’ll take for me to break.
“Oh, sorry… were you saying something?” I said, even my own thoughts are consuming me and now that I think of it I’m hungry and looking at you isn’t helping so I suggested to go to the coffee shop, that place was your favorite. I got my usual hot chocolate and I bought you your favorite drink, which I memorized because I loved hearing the way you say it, especially when the side of your mouth is curved upright in a small smirk. I loved it whenever you spoke, I was more of a listener than a talker, especially when it came to you, I didn’t want to miss a thing.
I finally worked up the courage to say how I truly felt about you, I began to open my mouth when I heard a scream, a scream that wasn’t mine, it was yours. You turned around towards me, pale faced with the hazel color drained from your eyes, you began to run out of the coffee shop and out onto the street yelling for me to come with you. I dropped everything while I was running after you.. I told you to wait up because of these unfamiliar sounds I was hearing, the shouts and yells and the “take covers.”
The moment I caught up to you, the moment I finally caught up to you… your body, the angelic curves of you have fallen to the ground. A gunshot that went through you, you were laying there on the cold concrete, red water drips out the side of your mouth. The mouth that would always smirk upright, pouring out of the lips that I wished I could’ve kissed. I remember holding your lifeless body against mine, I loved you and I still do, but if this is what love feels like then I don’t ever want to love again.
Now, I’m sitting here at the desk in my room and I feel so blue, my knuckles are bruised from how hard I’m clenching the pencil in my hand just from thinking of you.